Ep #125: How to Get What You Want This Year

Another thing I remember so clearly about that New Year’s Eve was how unhappy I was. I hated everything about my life so much. My body, my job, my personality. I was so miserable inside. But of course, on the outside, I was bubbly and happy and friendly, and nobody would have ever known what was going on. And then inside, I was miserable.

Welcome to The Not Your Average Runner Podcast. If you’re a woman has never felt athletic, but you still dream about becoming a runner, you are in the right place. I’m Jill Angie, a Certified Running and Life Coach, and I teach women how to start running, feel confident, and change their lives. And now, I want to help you.

Hey, rebels. Welcome to 2020. Now, you may have noticed the intro to the podcast seems a little bit different. You might have even thought, “What the hell? Did I just start right in the middle of the show?” Well, my friends, here is the deal. The show is approaching its second birthday. I mean, in like two weeks, can you fucking believe it? It’s been two solid years.

And, to celebrate, I decided it was kind of time to shake things up a bit here on the show, like mix it up a little bit. So I talked to Pavel, my awesome producer, and we thought it would be fun to pull a little clip from the show to play in the beginning. Just to tease you a little bit, give you a sneak peek into what’s on the agenda. And, so we’re going to try this out for at least a few episodes, and see how it goes.

And, also I decided to re-record the intro, because what I realized is that a lot of you aren’t plus-size. Or, maybe you used to be, but you’re not anymore. When I started the show, I was like, “All right, I’m going to do a podcast for fat, middle-aged ladies who want to run.” And now I know there’s a whole bunch of you listening who aren’t fat, or middle-aged, or don’t even identify as women, and some of you aren’t even runners. Like, what?

So, I thought it would be smart to clarify exactly what this show is about. And, so that’s what we’ve done.

Now, if you’re new to the show, if this is the first episode you’ve ever listened to, because you made a New Year’s resolution to start running, my show popped up in your Google search. This show has an explicit rating on iTunes. Not because there is nudity or violence, but because I dropped the F-bomb on occasion.

And, I’ve had lots of comments from folks letting me know that it’s unprofessional, or they love the show, but they can’t keep listening because they’re offended by the language, and so many more people could benefit if I would just keep my potty mouth to myself.

And, to those beautiful humans, I say, that is okay. I’m going to do me and you do you, and it’s all good. But that is how I like to express myself. It seems to be working pretty well so far. So, if you’re not a fan of salty language, or you’re listening in the car with your kiddos in the back, and you don’t want them to hear salty language, now is the time to hit the pause button.

Okay, so now that we’ve got that all out of the way, what’s up 2020!? What is happening? Can you believe that we just dropped into decade number three of this century? I mean, what? This is insane to me. I remember 1999 like it was yesterday. Like, it really feels like it was yesterday to me.

It was 20 years ago. And, like, all of the Y2K shenanigans, and we were so freaked out that everything was going to stop working at the stroke of midnight. I was legit concerned, by the way, because I worked – at the time, I worked in an industry that would have been significantly impacted if that had happened, and we spent, like, months and months preparing for it.

But, I was also kind of sick on that New Year’s Eve. I was home with a really bad sore throat and fever. I went to sleep really early thinking, please let there still be internet and electricity and cable TV when I wake up. Right? That’s all. And, running water. That’s all I wanted. And, of course, there was.

But another thing I remember so clearly about that New Year’s Eve was how unhappy I was. I hated everything about my life so much. My body, my job, my personality. I was so miserable inside. But, of course, on the outside, I was bubbly and happy and friendly, and nobody would have ever known what was going on. And then inside, I was miserable.

I’d been on antidepressants at that time, I think for a couple of years, by that point. But, for the most part, they didn’t help. Eventually, about a year later, I was like, “Fuck this shit. I’m not doing this anymore.” There was kind of a happy little side effect, because I was on Wellbutrin, and I ended up quitting smoking. So just a little side tip. If you’re trying to quit smoking, the anti-smoking version of Wellbutrin is, it actually works.

But anyway, the year before 1999 was… so it was 1998, October 1998. I had done my first 5K, and I loved it. I was super proud, and immediately quit running, because… because brains, right? I mean, it wasn’t making me skinny. And I just, I’d like… to be honest, I didn’t care about myself enough to stick with it. That is the honest truth.

I hated on myself all the time. I didn’t have a boyfriend. I was 32 years old. And I was like, “Obviously, I’m going to die alone, right? This is the worst thing ever.” And, I spent most of my time feeling very sorry for myself. Wondering what was wrong with me, wishing I could just wake up skinny, with better skin, with more money, and the perfect guy in my life.

And I know there are some of you listening that can totally relate to this. And like… It’s like, have you ever just thought, “Ugh, everything about me is wrong. Everything about me is wrong.” And if I could just get thin, or have more money, or have the perfect partner, right, my life would be awesome. Like, all that needs to change is my body or my bank account or my love life? And then, I thought, “I could just stop feeling shitty about myself and start living my life.”

So, anyway, that year, I made some big, bold resolutions. I was like, “New decade, new century, new Jill. I’m all in.” I bought new running shoes. I bought gear so I could start running again. I got a dog to run with. She was the best dog. Her name was Lola. She was a rescued greyhound, she was the sweetest dog ever.

But, just FYI, greyhounds are terrible running buddies, because they want to sprint for five minutes, and then they want to lay down and go to sleep. So, not so good for the long-distance running. But, I got a dog. I joined Weight Watchers. I started dreaming of all the cute guys that would be knocking down my door.

I made a million resolutions to change my circumstances. And then, change the actions I was taking so that I could achieve those circumstances. And then, finally, I’d be able to feel better about myself.

So, there was a flaw in my thinking that I didn’t really understand at the time. So, guess what happened? You’ll never guess what happened. Nothing. Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing. Within a week, maybe two, if I’m being generous, I’d given up on everything. Because it was hard, right? It’s hard to change when your identity is that of somebody who hates themselves. Right?

There’s nothing like, you know, you can kind of white knuckle it for a few weeks. But if you hate yourself, there’s really like, you know, taking care of yourself, doing the things that will actually change your body for the better. You know, wanting to run, or whatever, like, I was not doing those things out of love. I was doing those things out of hate. And so, it didn’t stick.

So, one weekend, right? I… nothing had changed. I’d just given up on it. And now, I had the additional burden of thinking, “Oh, I just missed the chance to make the year 2000 – right? This amazing, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity – to make it perfect and exactly what I wanted. So, one weekend, I’m like, “Well, I fucked up. So, obviously this is over. I ruined everything.”

Seven days. January 7^th. Because if you can’t be perfect, you might as well do nothing, right? And if you don’t start on January 2, because let’s be honest, nobody actually starts a new fitness program or diet on January 1^st, because you’re spending that day on the couch recovering from December.

So, I was kind of like if, you know, I had to start on January 2^nd. If you can’t start on January 2^nd, you have to wait until the next January. You’ve completely screwed the whole year up. Now, you can hear how silly that sounds when I say it. But, first of all, you know you’ve had those thoughts. I definitely believed it at that point in time.

But, that thinking is so flawed. There’s, like, three main ways that it’s flawed. First of all, believing that circumstances need to change so that you can feel better or love yourself or believe in yourself, right? That is for sure not how it works. Right? Circumstances don’t create our feelings. They just don’t. So, that was flaw number one.

Flaw number two is believing that setting a goal or making a resolution is what will drive me to action. Again, that’s not how it works, right? The goal doesn’t motivate you. Your thinking motivates you. Your thinking creates your emotions, and your emotions drive your actions.

So, if you’ve been wondering why you keep failing to keep your resolutions every year, it is not because you’re a loser. It’s not because you’re lazy. It’s not because you don’t have the right amount of motivation, or whatever. It’s because you think the goal is what’s going to motivate you, and not changing your identity. Right? So that’s flaw number two.

And then, flaw number three is believing that you have to be perfect, and that if you mess up, in any way, you might just as well quit. That is, for sure, flawed thinking. And I hope you listened to Episode 123 two weeks ago, because we talked all about it in that show.

So, New Year’s. New Year’s, like, Eve, actually New Year’s Eve, let’s just ignore it, because most people have had a few too many glasses of wine. Or, if you’re like me, you have one glass of wine and then you pass out on the couch at 10 o’clock.

But, New Year’s as a concept, is sort of a trifecta of thought errors, right? Like, all three of those belief systems that I just listed will keep you stuck. Any one of them will keep you stuck. But then on New Year’s, we buy into all three of them at the same time. We’re like, “Okay, well, I need to be skinny, so that I can feel better about myself, and setting a goal to be skinny will drive me to action. And if I don’t do it perfectly, I messed it up and I have to wait until next year.” Right?

Like, we legit, when we say it out loud, it’s crazy. But we believe it, somewhere deep down inside of our brains, right? Or maybe, I for sure used to believe that. And that is why I really struggled to change. Like, year after year after year, I never changed. And I would say. “This is the year. This is it.. I’m doing it.” And then a week or a month later, I’d give up, and I know you can relate to this.

So, like, what are the options? Because our whole society seems to be set up to keep you thinking that way, especially the fitness and the diet industry. They know that you believe January 1^st is magical. They see you coming a mile away, and they’ve got you all pumped up, right? And then they disappear, right?

So you’re like all psyched. And that first week or two, you’ve got all kinds of excitement. And then you get that sort of post-New Year’s dip in motivation. And where is the fitness industry then? Right? They’re not there to kind of help you and say, “Hey, we expected this would happen. Here’s what you can do.” Right?

So, you’re just kind of left all alone with your flawed thinking. You give up and then the next year, the same old thing happens again.

So, here’s what I want to do. Like, let’s not do that this year. Okay, you guys? Like, let’s just not. Let’s just end it. I want to help you break that cycle. And I have been reading – this is the third time I’ve read this book called Atomic Habits by James Clear. If you have not read it, I want you to just go get it. Go get it. Listen to it. Get the Kindle, the hardcover, like, whatever you need to do. Whatever is the way that you’re going to read this book, please. Please read it, and take notes. It’s so good.

Now this is, again, this is the third time I’ve read it. I’ve learned something new every single time. And, it’s kind of a game changer. So we’re going to have a link in the show notes to the book. Again, it’s called Atomic Habits by James Clear. And, in this book, he describes this idea of goals versus systems, and how setting goals doesn’t get you where you want to be, but creating systems does. Okay?

So, goals are the results that we want, right? We want to be, I don’t know, able to run a marathon. Or, we want to lose 20 pounds. Or, we want to have more money in our bank account. Whatever it is, like, the goal is the result that you want. And the systems are the actions that we take to get there.

So, basically, systems are our habits. They are the things we do on a consistent basis that keep us moving incrementally forward. And, he points out so beautifully that winners and losers both have the same goals, right? So if putting your focus on the goal was really what motivated you, what created change, then everybody would achieve their goals.

And he used this metaphor that just blew my mind. He says, think of a basketball game. And the goal is to finish with the highest score, right? So there’s a million ways you can do that. But one way, which is standing there, staring at the scoreboard focusing on your goal of having the highest score, that doesn’t win the game, right? No team ever won by standing on the court, just, like, focusing really hard on the scoreboard.

Can you imagine? Like, all five players just standing there, looking up at the scoreboard? The other team is like, all right, I’m just going to go make some baskets while you waste your time, right? Because focusing on the goal doesn’t get you to the goal.

In a basketball game, the system is all of the habits you created during your practice. But a goal doesn’t motivate you. A goal is neutral. It is literally just, you know, a circumstance in your life, at that point in time.

Now, I loved the idea so much of creating powerful systems. And, in the book, he explains that systems are the actions you take to achieve the goal. If you put your focus on implementing and maintaining excellent systems, the goal just happens, right? So if your goal is actually just to create those systems, everything falls into place.

The goal itself, the ultimate result that you want, it just kind of, you know, happens naturally, because you’re executing the systems on a daily basis to make it happen.

And I think that our coaching model, which is where thoughts create feelings, and feelings drive actions, is the system, right? The action that you take is a result of the thoughts and feelings that you have. So creating a solid thinking system for yourself, to make the actions and the result inevitable, is the starting point.

He says, and I completely agree, that we are unable to permanently change our actions, our habits, until we change our identities. And really, like, that’s what a thinking system is. It’s your identity. It’s what you believe about yourself.

And sometimes these are deeply held beliefs that we’ve had since childhood. And sometimes they are thoughts that we need to create, right? We need to create a belief system for ourselves, so that those thoughts become habitual, and the feelings become habitual, that are created from the thoughts. And then, those feelings drive our habitual actions, right?

That is where the change really occurs. And that is where most people struggle. Because changing your thinking is kind of tough, right? Like, most of the time, we are unaware of what goes on in our brains. We just let our thoughts sort of run along their usual paths. You know, like getting a deeper and deeper groove in our brain, and we keep feeling the same feelings, doing the same shit.

And then we wonder, like, “Oh, I don’t understand why nothing has changed in my life. My life is exactly the same as it was 10 years ago.” And it’s because you’re thinking the same way you thought 10 years ago. So, this concept of creating a thinking system, which is an identity, right, I believe this is the key to change.

Because when you feel badly about yourself, when you feel, like, ashamed of yourself, you are not likely to take the actions that you want to take, right? Because when you have a faulty belief system, or when you have an identity that drives you to feel ashamed, right, it doesn’t matter how many times you try to change your actions. Your belief system, your identity, is going to be constantly course correcting, so that you go back in line with what you think about yourself, right?

So, if you start running and you focus on the result that you want, without upgrading your thoughts, your brain is full of thoughts like, “I want to be a runner so bad. If I could be a runner, everything would be better. But this is so hard. I’m not good at this. Everyone is looking at my ass in these tights. I’m not getting any better.” Right?

So you’re like, “I want to be a runner. I’m focused on the goal. I really want to be a runner. I’m going to envision myself as a runner.” But then you’re still thinking all those awful thoughts, and they make you feel defeated and embarrassed and frustrated. So when you feel like that, right, you quit. You give up. And the goal of becoming a runner doesn’t happen.

And it’s not for lack of trying. That’s what breaks my heart so much, is we’re trying so hard, like, “I’m just going to focus on it. I’m going to visualize it.” And we’re, like, focusing on the wrong things, and our thoughts are just, you know, continually bringing us right back to the old result.

Because if you don’t pay attention to the inputs to your system, you will continually get the old results. When you keep thinking what you’ve always thought, you will continue to get the same result over and over again. The system starts with your thinking.

So, if your goal in 2020 is to start running, or run your first 5K, or whatever it is, right? Just thinking, “I really, really want to do this.” Is not going to be enough. Especially if you’re thinking all of those other negative thoughts about yourself, because those are the thoughts that are driving you to action.

“I really want to do this.” helps you in the moment, right? But then all of those other belief systems come up. And you’re like, “Oh, that’s right. It’s not for me. I’m like, not good at this. It’s too hard.” Right? All of those old beliefs come up, and they just kind of run right over, “I really want to do this.” With, “You are terrible at this. You should just stay home.”

So, and I guess the question is, of course, what can you think to get yourself running? How can you create a thinking system, a belief system, an identity, that gets your results? So, let’s work the model in reverse to find some thoughts.

And if the result is becoming a runner, so imagine you’ve got your CTFAR model written in front of you. You’re going to write “runner” in the result line. Everything else, well the circumstances, just, I don’t know, signed up for a 5K, or whatever the circumstance is, right? That you had made a goal to become a runner. And we’re going to fill in the result with “Became a runner.” Right? That’s what you want to have as your outcome.

So, if that’s your result, what actions would you need to take to get that outcome? Well, obviously, you’d need to run, right? You’d need to put your shoes and your tights and your bra on, maybe a shirt. Maybe a hat, right? Walk out the door or drive to the gym. Get your watch ready, warm up for a few minutes, and then start running. And then do interval after interval after interval, until you’re done with your workout.

Those are the actions you would need to take, over and over and over again, to get the result of becoming a runner. So write those actions in the A line of your model, and we’re going to back it up one more.

What would you need to be feeling, what emotion would need to be in your body, for you to take action repeatedly? And it might be motivated or determined or confident or excited or, you know, like there’s a whole bunch of emotions that are going to drive you to do your training runs. So, let’s pick determined. I love determined, it’s my favorite emotion.

Now, when you feel determined, right, you take the action that you need to take, for sure. That emotion is very powerful. But, determination, just like motivation, does not just come out of nowhere, right? You have to create it with your thinking.

So, we’re going to back up the model one more level. What would you need to be thinking to feel determined? So, here are some thoughts that work for me. I’m just going to read them out to you. I’m going to do this no matter what. I want to see what happens when I don’t give up. I want to challenge myself to see what I can do. I’m creating a new habit. It’s okay if I’m not great at it, I just have to do it. The more I do it, the better I get. Every choice matters.

Now, those might work for you, or it might be something else. But what I want you to do this week is work the model in reverse, and figure out what thoughts, what is the thinking system you’re going to create to help you take the actions that you need to take? What is the identity that you want to create for yourself?

What would a runner think, that would drive her to feel determined? And when she feels determined, she does her training runs, and when she does her training runs, she’s a runner, right? What would somebody who has already accomplished your goal be thinking about herself, to get that result?

Because, you guys, a New Year’s resolution to do something differently, this is so magical. A New Year’s resolution to do something differently is just the A line. It’s just the action line of the model. That is all it is. So, instead of making a resolution to eat more vegetables or run three times a week or train for a marathon, I want you to do this. No more resolutions.

I want you to commit to spending 15 minutes a day, working on the thoughts that will create the actions that you’re looking for. Right? So the thought-feeling-action, that is your system, that is your process, for creating your outcome, which is the result, right? So start with the inputs. What are the thoughts, they’re going to drive the feelings, that are going to create the actions, that get you your result?

So stop thinking about the result. Focusing only on the results gets you nothing. Right? Focus on the system that will create the result. I want you to go all in on your thoughts in 2020, and actually, in Run Your Best Life, at the end of December, we had quite a few people in there who said, “All right. I’m committing to 365 thought downloads and models in 2020.”

They’re like, “I’m all in.” And one person who went out said, “I feel a little sick to my stomach right now.” And I’m like, “Well, why is that?” And she said, “Because I don’t know what I’m going to find in there.” Right? And I think that’s why people don’t want to work on their thinking, because they don’t want to eavesdrop on their own brain and find out all the terrible things they’re saying.

Like, you know what it’s like when you walk into a room, and you kind of catch the tail end of somebody talking about you. And you’re like, “Ew, I didn’t want to hear that.” Right? So a thought download sometimes, I think people think that’s what it’s going to be like. Like overhearing somebody say really shitty things about them. But you’re saying it, right? It’s going on in your head, so it’s better to know about it, so that you can change it.

So, here are options that I think you have this year, as far as achieving your goals. You can make a resolution, like you always do, and quit in a few weeks. Just like do every year, right?

Or, you can do what I just talked to you about, right? Commit to spending 15 minutes a day working on the thoughts that are going to create the actions that you want. Right? Go all in on that. You can try it my way, commit to this thinking system concept, and see what happens.

Like, work on your thoughts. Practice them. See what happens. The worst thing that can happen is that you’re exactly where you started. And you know what? If you had made a resolution, you probably would have been, like, right back there in a couple weeks anyway. So, what is the worst thing that can happen? Right? That nothing changes.

But the best thing is that you will create actual change. Like, what if it works? What if you actually create the habits and the change that you want to create? And that’s really what you want, right? So I want you to just commit, right? Let’s go all in with this process.

And if you’re with me, if you’re like, “Yes, I’m in. Let’s do this. I’m ready to work on my thinking system so I can become a runner.” I want you to also join the Rebel Runner Roadmap. Just go, right now, to rebelrunnerroadmap.com and sign up. Class starts on January 6th, right? So, it’s really soon, if you’re listening to this on January 2^nd. It starts in four days.

I’m going to teach you, in that class, how to work on your mind along with your body, so you can stick with it this time. All right? No more trying, half-assing, feeling lazy, and giving up. We are done with that. That’s so 2019. Okay?

This is the year that you learn not just how to run, but how to become a person who loves running. How to create the identity for yourself of a runner. Because once you create that with your thoughts, you will not stop running. Right? Because you’re like, “I don’t know, I’m just somebody who runs.” Once that becomes your identity, it’s, like, so much easier, right?

So, we’re going to do that in the Rebel Runner Roadmap. So I want you to just head over there right now, rebelrunnerroadmap.com, and join.

I do have a special offer for you. On this podcast only, if you join the roadmap and use the code PODCAST, all caps, PODCAST, you will get my 2020 Goal-Planning Workshop video class. And this will help you plan out the awesome stuff that you’re going to go do in 2020, and then create systems to make them happen, right?

That is a pretty sweet bonus. And the code PODCAST, in all caps, is only good until January 9^th which, by the way, is the last day you can join the program. So you’ve got about a week to get on it. So, I want you to use the code PODCAST in all caps when you join the Rebel Runner Roadmap, and you will get my video class on how to plan out your 2020 goals, as a bonus. All right, so go to rebelrunnerroadmap.com, sign up. Let’s do this.

And that is it for this week, my rebellious friends. I will see you in the next episode.

Oh, and one last thing. If you enjoyed listening to this episode, you have to check out the Rebel Runner Roadmap. It’s a 30-day online program that will teach you exactly how to start running, stick with it, and become the runner you’ve always wanted to be. Head on over to rebelrunnerroadmap.com to join. I’d love to be a part of your journey.