Ep #33: How to Coach Yourself

Welcome to The Not Your Average Runner Podcast. If you’re a woman who is midlife and plus sized and you want to start running but don’t know how, or if it’s even possible, you’re in the right place. Using proven strategies and real-life experience, certified running and life coach Jill Angie shares how you can learn to run in the body you have right now.

Hey rebels, you are listening to episode number 33 of The Not Your Average Runner Podcast. I’m your host, Jill Angie, and we have a lot on our plate today. First off, I have a really quick question for you, and then I’m going to teach you how to coach yourself, for real, and then I’m going to go into my latest obsession which is super fun and exciting this week as always.

So whether you’re a brand-new runner, an experienced pro, or maybe you’re just thinking about it because all your lunatic friends are doing it, you are in the right place.

Now before we dive into how to coach yourself, I have a really important question for you, and that is are you enjoying the extra interviews on Saturdays? I would really love to know if this is something you want me to continue and if you prefer to get them on Saturdays like we’ve been doing, or if you’d like them on say, Mondays or Tuesdays.

So if you have an opinion or a suggestion for a guest, I would love for you to head over to my website and fill out the contact form with your comments because I’m working really hard to make this podcast valuable for you and I want to know what else I can do.

Okay, are you ready? I am going to teach you how to coach yourself today. And I use this process with my clients in Run Your Best Life all the time, and it has been life changing for many of them. They’re more consistent with their running, they’re able to shift their negative self-talk to a much nicer place. In other ways, they’re learning to stop being assholes to themselves.

Now, if you downloaded this podcast because you thought I was going to teach you how to be your own running coach, I have good news and bad news. So the bad news is I’m not going to teach you on this episode how to create a training plan for yourself today. But I am going to teach you how to give yourself a pep talk, how to motivate yourself, how to make yourself feel better about your running.

And honestly, a really stellar running coach is able to help you with all of that, so that’s the part of the running coach piece that I’m going to teach you today. So I want you to keep listening because I am literally going to give you the secret to the universe. I am not kidding. The coaching model that I use works on every situation in life, not just motivating yourself to go for a run, which means I’m teaching you how to life coach yourself. And that is a pretty powerful thing.

Now, this coaching model consists of five elements, and this model was taught to me by my own coach and mentor, Brooke Castillo, who I interviewed on episode 25. And we talked – I don’t know if we talked explicitly about this model, but we talked a lot about the consequences of managing your thoughts. And so what I’m going to do today is actually go through in detail how that model works, how the framework works so that you can use it on yourself.

And don’t worry, you don’t need to be taking notes right now, unless you’re at home and not driving and not running, in which case get out some paper and go ahead, take notes. But I do have a cheat sheet for you that you can grab at my website, so right now just go ahead and listen and at the end I’ll tell you where you can get the cheat sheet.

So here’s the deal: the coaching model, like I said, consists of five elements, and those elements are circumstances, thoughts, feelings, actions, and results. And so I’m going to go through each of them in detail and show you how they relate to each other.

So the first thing we’re going to do is talk about circumstances, and this is a really important concept for everyone to get. Circumstances are things outside of our control. Things like what other people do or think, or things like the weather, or facts and data. Things that exist in the world. They’re just literally facts and data. Or our past. Our past is another thing that’s outside of our control. It’s a circumstance, it’s done, it happened, we cannot change it.

And sometimes, our brain gets confused – and here’s where life coaching comes in. Because what happens is there are circumstances in the world and our brain gets confused and thinks we can control or change these things, especially like other people and our past. And our brain will put in a lot of effort into doing that.

But of course, we know we can’t change the past and we know we can’t control other people. We know this logically. And it’s really important that you know it very logically and very clearly because your brain will try to tell you otherwise. So let me give you an example. You might think that if you act a certain way, that if you do certain things, other people will treat you the way you want to be treated.

So if I am nice to this certain person, then they are going to be nice back to me. And this is a way of controlling other people. And I mean, I know it sounds harsh for me to say that, but it’s straight up manipulation. Do you think like, if I do certain things then other people will do certain things back to me? It’s a way of you trying to control other people.

And of course, that usually backfires, right? Because we can’t actually control other people. We are constantly trying to alter ourselves and alter the way we show up in the world so that other people will think certain things about us and behave a certain way towards us, right? And I know one thing as a life coach, for sure, like I said, that always backfires because we really can’t control other people’s behaviors. We can’t control their thoughts no matter how hard we try.

But our brains don’t know that. Our brains think that it works. So it’s frustrating, right? But as frustrating as it can be, there actually is good news in all of that. Now, we can’t control our circumstances, we can’t control other people, we can’t change our past, but we can control our own thoughts. This isn’t really – this whole concept isn’t something that we’re taught in school, which is kind of a shame.

Because there are so many people in pain over things that are circumstances in their lives and they think that circumstances is what’s causing their pain but they always have this option to think, feel, and behave differently. But they don’t think they do because they think that the circumstances are controlling their lives.

So we’re going to really talk in detail about how to change how you think and feel and act using this model. So it all starts with knowing the difference between a circumstance and the next things on the list, which is a thought. So how do you know if something is a circumstance and not an opinion or a belief or a thought? Only if every single person on the planet would agree with you.

And we’re talking billions of people, right? So if there were a way to go ask every single person on the planet if they agreed on something you think is a circumstance, if every single person said yes, that is the situation, then you can call it a circumstance. Like, is it raining? Every single person on the planet says yes because they’re all in the same spot because we live in some weird alternate universe where you can have 20 million people all in the same spot if they all said yes, it’s a circumstance. But if anybody disagrees, then it’s an opinion or a belief or a thought.

And so I know that’s kind of a weird way to put it, but I promise it’s going to become clear so just stick with me. So next on the list is our thoughts, and this is where we give meaning to our circumstances. Through our beliefs, through our opinions, through our judgments. Thoughts are sentences that you say in your mind. Sometimes we’re aware of them, most often we’re not. They’re like – they’re sort of this background noise of thinking that’s going on that we’re really not paying attention to a lot of the time.

So very often, we confuse our thoughts and our circumstances. For example, if you have the thought, “I am a slow runner,” you might think that’s just a fact, right? And many people might agree that the pace that you run is slow. But not everyone would agree. And so that’s what makes it an opinion. So most people would agree that I’m a slow runner is just a statement of reality. But it’s not. It is your opinion about how long it took you to go from point A to point B, right?

Because not everybody would agree on what qualifies as slow. For example, the data is, the circumstances may be that you can run a mile in 15 minutes. So it takes you 15 minutes to go from point A to point B, and point A and B are a mile apart. That is the data, that is the fact. You have a thought, “That’s really fucking slow.”

Somebody else might have the thought, “Damn, that’s really fast.” It all depends on your belief system, right? So you can’t change your circumstances, but you can change your thoughts about them. And this is where it starts to get really fun because the root cause of any problem we have is always our thinking. It is never ever the circumstance. It is always the way we think about it that’s the problem. So I really want you to let that sink in.

Your problem is never your running pace, but rather your thoughts about the pace. Now, I know there are a lot of you arguing with me right now in your head. You’re like, “Stop it, my pace is my pace and it’s slow and that is my problem.” And I promise you, that is not your problem. Your problem is that you are creating a story in your head about what it means that you ran a 15-minute mile or a 17-minute mile or whatever.

So just keep listening it’s all going to make sense. Now, when we have a thought about a circumstance, that thought generates a feeling. So this is number three on our list. Feelings are one word that describes an emotion. It’s like sad, mad, happy, disappointed, elated, excited, motivated, discouraged, right? Those are all one word that describe an emotion. So that’s what I mean when I say a feeling. So we have a thought about a circumstance, and that thought creates a feeling.

The thought always comes first. We may think we have a feeling in response to a circumstance and then we have a thought about it. Not how it works. So we have that thought about the circumstance, the thought creates a feeling, we have this emotion. You know, it might be happy, it might be discouraged, whatever that emotion is, and then we take action or it’s inaction. We either take an action or we avoid taking an action as a result of that feeling.

So let me drive that point home. Everything that we do in life is driven by a feeling or the desire to avoid a feeling. So sometimes, you know, we have a thought that creates a feeling of frustrated, and we don’t want to feel frustrated so we do things to avoid feeling that way, right?

So our actions create our results. So the feelings drive our actions, we take a bunch of actions or we avoid taking action, which is called inaction, and that creates our results. So basically, this is how it works. Things happen in the world, we have thoughts about those things, we feel a certain way, this drives an action, and that gives us our result.

And here’s the best part: the result we get almost always prove that original thought. So I’m going to try an example with you. So let’s say that the circumstance is you finished your first 5K in 45 minutes. So that’s literally the data. You crossed the finish line and the clock says 45 minutes and zero seconds. You will have thoughts about that, right? Of course you will. Many, many thoughts.

And they could be anything from, “Yay, I finished,” to, “Damn it, I am so fucking slow.” And everything in between. Now, if you choose the thought, “Yay, I finished,” you are likely going to feel very pleased or excited about it, right? So the circumstance is you ran the 5K in 45 minutes, you think to yourself, “Yay, I finished,” and you’re feeling excited. And when you feel excited or pleased about that, you are more likely to take the action of continuing to run, continuing to train for races and the results of all those actions will be finishing more races.

Now, that’s kind of fun, right? So you’re thinking the thought, “Yay, I’m finished,” you feel excited, you keep running, and you end up doing more races. Now, if you think the thought, “Damn it, I’m so fucking slow,” so 5K, 45 minutes, same circumstance, different thought. “Damn it, I’m so fucking slow,” what are you going to feel? You’re likely to feel kind of discouraged, disappointed, frustrated. And when you feel those things, when you feel discouraged, are you more or less likely to go out there and keep training?

Well, the answer is you’re less likely to run consistently. And when you’re not running consistently, you don’t get faster. And that really proves your original thought of, “Damn it, I’m so fucking slow.” Right? So when you start with the thought that’s not happy about your pace, you create a result of not getting any faster. Like, it works like magic like this every single time.

So in both situations, our thinking is really creating that result. The circumstance is the same, the thoughts we have about it are driving everything, and when you have these – it gets you into a cycle of either being more consistent with your running and getting better and better at it, or getting – like, not getting better at it because you’re thinking in such a way that’s driving you not to train.

And this is like, so important for runners to understand because so often my clients come to me and they’re like, “I don’t know, I’m just not motivated,” and it’s like, because they’re literally thinking the thought, “I’m not motivated,” they feel discouraged, they don’t go out and run, and they run less. They’re less motivated, right? So the motivation comes from your thoughts.

So if you’re trying to give yourself a pep talk, the key is to figure out what are you thinking that’s making you feel shitty and what do you want to think to make you feel more excited to run, more motivated to run. I mean, this is a really powerful thing to understand because it puts everything in your control.

It means when you run a race, no matter what your finish time was, you get to feel however you want to about that race. Or to use a weight for example, if you are somebody who weighs yourself regularly, if you are in control of your thoughts, you do not have to be mad at yourself if you’ve gained weight. And we’ve all been there. Like, get on the scale, you’re like, “I don’t understand, I’ve been working so hard, the scale’s not moving, I’m so mad, I’m so frustrated.”

But if you have control over your thoughts, you don’t have to feel that way. You can work to create a belief system that serves you rather than one that makes you feel shitty all the time. You can go out in public in a sleeveless shirt even if your arms have visible fat. This is what you can do when you’re in control of your thoughts. You can say no to people when you don’t want to do something instead of trying to manipulate them into liking you by pleasing them and doing whatever they say.

You can ask for things that you want when you’re in control of your thoughts. You can actually love yourself without having to change a thing. And that is so powerful. So I think this is really important and I think I want you to understand this, and I want you to like, really spend some time thinking about it.

Most people believe that their feelings, their emotions are a result of the circumstances in their lives. Now, you know, I just taught you that your thoughts create your feelings. Most people don’t know this. So now that you know this, first of all, you have an edge. You have a leg up on everybody else in the world because other people just believe that they’re at the mercy of their circumstances, and you now know that’s not true.

But let’s use an example. So let’s say that your spouse says something to you and you feel insulted. So spouse says words, you feel insulted. He or she might say, “Why are you still so slow? You’ve been running for six months and you should be faster by now.” So the circumstance is the words that your spouse said, but those words are not what makes you feel insulted.

It is your thoughts about what they said that is creating that feeling, right? You might have a thought, “How dare they say that? They shouldn’t have said that. If they loved me, they wouldn’t say that.” Or, “That was really rude,” right? All of those things you might think. Those are thoughts in your head, they’re opinions you have, they’re judgments, they’re beliefs that you have.

Those things are not circumstances. The circumstance is the words that came out of your spouse’s mouth, and then everything else is your story about it. And when you think those things, “How dare they? That was really rude,” when you think those things, you feel insulted. Of course you do. I would. If I spent time thinking that was really rude, I would feel insulted as well.

But here’s the deal: your spouse didn’t insult you. They said words that you decided to interpret as insulting. And I know that, you know, you’re probably sitting there going, “Yes, but insults are insults,” right? No, that’s the thing. Words are neutral until we give them meaning.

And why is this so important for you to understand? I mean, you can’t change what someone did in the past, you can’t change what they might do in the future, you can’t change anything like that. But where you do have control, where you have all the power is how you decide to think about it, okay?

So if you choose the thought, “They insulted me,” you’re going to feel like shit. And you’re probably going to act in a way that doesn’t improve your relationship with your spouse. You won’t communicate well, you might sulk, and the result will be you continuing to believe they’re insulting you, don’t respect you and support you.

There is no upside to thinking this way. And I’m not saying I want you prancing through meadows of daisies like a unicorn. Like, this is not all about putting on rose-colored glasses. This is about not arguing with reality. There is no upside to thinking that your spouse has insulted you. I mean, even if everyone else in the world could agree that your spouse insulted you, where is the value in your believing it? It just makes you feel like shit when you think that thought. There’s no value in it.

So this is where you can change things. Your spouse doesn’t have to change a thing. It all comes from you. You could choose to believe that your spouse is just confused about how running works, right? They might just not get it. They might think like, maybe you did before you started running that you have to do a 10-minute mile to be a runner. They’re just confused.

Or they might be curious about your progress and don’t mean that in an insulting way at all. They’re just like, hey, you’ve been running for a while, shouldn’t you be faster? Like, some people that’s just how they communicate. They’re not intending to be demeaning or anything like that, that’s just how they talk. So it could be any number of things. You get to decide what you make it mean. So changing how you think about a circumstance changes how you feel and it drives different actions and results.

So here’s what I want you to do this week. I want you to think about a problem you’re having in your life. Decide what the circumstance is and I want you to be really specific and really question yourself when you’re writing out the circumstance. And then I want you to write out your thoughts and your feelings, and how you behave when you feel that way.

And remember, a feeling is one word. A feeling is not, “I feel like this person shouldn’t have done that.” That’s a thought. A feeling is an emotion, it’s one word. So write out your thoughts, your feeling, how you behave when you feel that way, and then the result of that behavior. And that is called doing a model. And this is how we solve problems.

So think about that problem, write out your model, then I want you to look at the model you’ve created and decide A, if you like the results it’s creating in your life, and if you don’t, how might you be able to think differently? If you changed the thought without the circumstance changing, so your spouse doesn’t take back what he or she said, the spouse said the words, you can change the thought.

So if you change the thought about what your spouse said, or whatever your problem is, whatever your circumstance is, if you change the thought, how might the feelings, actions, and results change? And once you have a model that you like, start practicing that new thought and see what happens.

So to make it easier for you, I’ve actually created a PDF that you can download from my site that will walk you through the process. All you have to do is go to notyouraveragerunner.com/model to get it, and if you are doing this work, I would absolutely love it if you would share your models in the free Facebook group because it’s a great place to do that.

Or even better, join the Run Your Best Life coaching group at runyourbestlife.com and we’ll work on your models together, because that group is actually about so much more than running. We run a lot, but what happens is I coach everyone in that group not just on their running but on their models for life. So everyone becomes a better runner, yes, but you also get to level up your whole life because I am continually teaching the tools there that I teach on the podcast, but we go deeper and we work hard on making the changes necessary you can run your best race and live your best life. Hence, Run Your Best Life. So it’s a running group, it’s a life coaching group, and I just would love it if I could see you there and work with you on your models.

Okay, so my obsession this week has to do with Erin Condren, and oh my god, folks, I mean, I’m a total office supply nerd. I can’t even tell you how many different colored Post-It notes I have, but seriously, the Erin Condren stuff is next fucking level.

You can create planners with custom quotes and designs and photos and I actually just ordered some gorgeous custom journals for all of my clients that have joined the Rebel Runner Unleashed program and they are so freaking fun, they’re so pretty.

But the reason I want to tell you about these planners is not just so that you can plan your whole life with them, but I think they’re super great for running. Because first of all, you can create these custom covers and you can choose – you can actually put like a whole photomontage on there. I think you can have like, maybe up to 16 pictures on the cover.

And so you can use pictures of you crossing finish lines or holding race medals or anything, or maybe your motivation for running like pictures of your kid, pictures of your spouse. Like, all the reasons that you want to be a runner, all the things that you’re proud of, you can create like a whole collage and then have that be printed right on the cover with your name and a custom quote.

And then there’s different layouts for all different styles of tracking your results. So like, you can really make an amazingly fun, gorgeous, inspiring running journal with the whole Erin Condren line. And you can even get customized stickers to help you personalize the pages even more.

And so I’m obsessed with them and all of my private clients, I send them these journals and I just think everybody should check it out and see what’s available because if you’re looking for a running journal or a fitness journal, or just something fun to inspire you on your journey, I think Erin Condren has some really great stuff. And I don’t get anything for pimping this out, I just love it. I just absolutely love it. So I think it’s just one more way to make running fun and interesting, and I hope you are intrigued and check them out.

Alright, that’s it for this week, rebels. Everything I mentioned in this episode can be found in the show notes at notyouraveragerunner.com/33, including the link to download that PDF I mentioned that will help you create your models and look at how you can change your thinking.

And if today is the day that you’ve decided you’re ready to get started with running, if I’ve finally convinced you that this life of craziness is the life for you, I want you to head over to notyouraveragerunner.com/start, grab your free jumpstart plan and join the Facebook group and start telling us how you’re doing.

Alright, that’s it for me today. I’ll see you next Thursday. No wait, I’ll see you on Saturday for an interview with Julie Fountain. Have a great week. Bye.

Thanks for listening to this episode of The Not Your Average Runner Podcast. If you liked what you heard and want more, head over to www.notyouraveragerunner.com to download your free one-week jumpstart plan and get started running today.