Ep #132: This Is Why Other People Always Let You Down

Because it’s condescending to cheer on a fat person who’s running by you on the trail if you’re a thin person. It’s common sense, right? Or it’s rude to tell somebody that running will ruin their knees.

Welcome to The Not Your Average Runner Podcast. If you’re a woman who has never felt athletic but you still dream about becoming a runner, you are in the right place. I’m Jill Angie, a certified running and life coach and I teach women how to start running, feel confident, and change their lives, and now I want to help you.

Hey rebels. So I’m wondering, do you ever wish that people would just do what they’re supposed to do, so you don’t have to get annoyed all the time? We live in a society, people. Use your blinkers. Take your shopping carts to the cart corral. Say please and thank you. Don’t leave the toilet seat up. Clean up after yourself. Don’t say rude things.

It’s not rocket science. Just basic common courtesy, right? It’s just polite. Alright, so I got a little bit of a rant coming at you today. Some of you are going to like it, some of you not so much, but everyone needs to hear it.

Okay, so each and every one of us has expectations for how other people in the world should behave. From strangers on the street to the people that we live and work with. And then when people comply with those expectations, we feel happy. We’re like, pleased. But when somebody is rude to us or doesn’t do what they’re supposed to do, we feel annoyed or disappointed or pissed off or disrespected, unappreciated, and unloved.

Now, I call these expectations a manual, and this is a concept that was taught to me by Brooke Castillo of The Life Coach School, and it is a game-changer. So a manual is like – well, let’s use this as an example. Say you just get a new job and first day at the job, your employer gives you the employee handbook, and it has a lot of information about how you’re going to get paid and your benefits and your sick time.

And then it also has a whole section of how you are expected to behave as an employee. No sexual harassment, don’t come to work in your pajamas, get to work on time, things like that. It’s a manual for how you should behave. And then if you break the rules, there’s consequences, like losing your job.

It’s very clear. Here’s the manual. If you don’t do it, this is what’s going to happen. Now, manuals are important because they make expectations clear. You can say, “Oh, at this job, I’m not allowed to smoke on company property. Okay, I’ll make sure not to do that if I want to keep my job.”

But here’s what humans do. They create manuals for everyone in the world and we call them things like common courtesy or good behavior, and then we believe mistakenly, that the items in our manuals are shared by everyone. And then we get really pissed off when people don’t follow it and they don’t follow our personal rules. And usually, our rules are secret, by the way. We don’t walk around with our rules on our t-shirts so that people know this is what I consider rude, don’t do it.

So here’s a good example. Imagine you move in with somebody, like a new roommate. And it’s somebody you’ve never lived with before and after your first dinner together, you get up, you put your dishes in the dishwasher, and your new roommate puts them in the sink and then walks away. And you’re like, wait, the dishwasher isn’t full, why wouldn’t you put your dishes in the dishwasher?

You’re a little annoyed because you’re like, that’s not how roommates take care of each other, but whatever, you just put the dishes away for her. Then it happens at the next meal and then maybe again, and then pretty soon you’re in the kitchen making a lot of noise as you put the dishes away because obviously she’s some kind of a psychopath who doesn’t respect your time, pretty much thinks she’s better than you, and expects you to do everything around here, right?

You know you’ve been there. So you’ve got a manual for your roommate that includes you should always put the dishes in the dishwasher after you eat, instead of leaving them in the sink. And then when she doesn’t do it, you’re making it mean that she doesn’t respect your time or doesn’t appreciate you, you make it mean that she’s an idiot.

So when you think that way, you feel annoyed. And when you’re annoyed, you act like a jerk. And then your roommate is like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you so cranky? And then she starts acting weird around you because she thinks you’re kind of temperamental. And then you’re all like, what the fuck is wrong with her? She’s so sketchy, she just avoids handing out with me and never says thank you for all the stuff I do for her.

So you start acting even more annoyed, and then pretty soon you don’t have a roommate. And now the problem here isn’t that your roommate didn’t put her dishes in the dishwasher. That’s just the circumstance. The problem is that you have a manual for how she should act, and then you make it mean if she doesn’t do that, that she’s disrespecting you or not appreciating you.

You’re putting the responsibility for how you feel on her shoulders, and she doesn’t even know it because you didn’t give her the employee manual when she walked into the apartment. That’s the problem. You think she should do things a certain way and when she doesn’t, you think that is what makes you feel disrespected, but that is not how it works.

You are making yourself feel disrespected by thinking, “She doesn’t respect me.” And your poor roommate has no idea all this is happening. She might have just been like, “Oh, I don’t know, I thought you wanted the dishwasher loaded a certain way and I didn’t want to mess it up, so I left my dishes in the sink.”

So your takeaway so far from this episode might be, okay, I just need to tell everyone my manual for them and then I’m good because it’s my manual, they need to follow it because that’s how love and friendship and respect work. I tell you my requirements, you follow them, and if you don’t, it means you don’t respect or love me. No, that is not how it works at all.

Now, you can absolutely share your manuals with other people. You can request that the people in your life behave the way you want them to. And here is the thing though, they still might not follow it and it still doesn’t mean they’re disrespecting you or that they don’t love you. Because you know what, it might not be their manual.

So here is an example. After Andy and I moved in together, I realized he was a sink person and not a dishwasher person. And hi Andy, if you’re listening, I’m totally using you as an example in this podcast without asking, but I promise, you come out smelling like a rose at the end of this.

So anyway, I am mostly a dishwasher person unless they really, really need the sink to soak, and Andy’s more of a sink person. I ask him to do it my way and he said absolutely. And then he forgot, and so I asked again. You know, you forgot, can you do this? He said, absolutely, of course I will. And then he forgot again.

This went on a few times and I made a couple jokes about it, but underneath, I was making it mean that he did not appreciate me or did not respect me. Because if he did, he’d follow my rules. So I started to get a little bit more and more annoyed, and then one day I was like, you know what, the problem is not Andy putting his dishes in the sink. That is not what was annoying me.

I was feeling annoyed because I was thinking he should be different. I thought he should do things my way, especially after I asked him several times. But when we have manuals for other people and believe that them following the manual is necessary so that we can feel appreciated or respected, we’re screwed.

We are abdicating responsibility for our own emotions to somebody else who has different priorities. And frankly, other people are never qualified to manage our emotions. It’s exhausting. Now, the dishes are kind of a silly example and again, after a few times of being annoyed I thought about it, I realized we just have different ways of doing things.

His manual is different than mine, but it’s not wrong. And then I realized there’s actually so many ways that he’s really super organized, and he might not love how my half of the closet gets pretty messy sometimes. Like my shoes are everywhere, my clothes, I never hang them up right on the rack. It’s just a mess.

He might not appreciate that I’m always putting the garbage right outside the front door instead of walking it to the trash bin like an adult. And by the way, he never complains about it because honestly, he’s a much more patient and understanding human than I am.

But you can see from this example how a manual works, and how if you believe that your manual is the right one, you’re going to suffer. So I want to ask you, how many times a day do you feel annoyed? And if your annoyance has anything to do with somebody else’s behavior, I promise, it’s because you have a manual for that person.

And you might think that a manual is just another word for common sense because I don’t know, it’s condescending to cheer on a fat person who’s running by you on the trail if you’re a thin person. It’s common sense, right? Or it’s rude to tell somebody that running will ruin their knees. That’s just common sense.

But actually, it’s not. That’s just your manual for how other people should behave. Rude is a thought, you guys, not a circumstance. There’s no set of guidelines for these behaviors are rude and these behaviors are not. Condescending, same thing. It’s a thought, it’s an opinion that you have. It’s not ever a circumstance.

The condescending person might genuinely be wishing you well because their manual is that when you see somebody who looks like they’re working hard, you say good job to that person. They believe you should cheer everybody on and they might think it is rude when you just look back at them and don’t say thank you.

Manuals work in a lot of different ways. So when you believe other people should cheer you on as a runner the way that you desire to be cheered on, and if they don’t do it that way they’re condescending, you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt. Or you believe that other people should only support your running and never say like, “Hey, running is going to ruin your knees,” again, you’re setting yourself up for not feeling great.

That person who says running will ruin your knees, they might not just be an ignorant asshole, believe it or not. They might really believe that running is a terrible idea and their manual might be when you see somebody about to hurt themselves, you need to say something. They don’t know what you know about running.

And then when you get mad, they’re legitimately confused because in their mind, they’re like, well, she’s about to hurt herself, I need to help her. And they think you’re the rude one for not saying thank you. So really take a moment when you feel annoyed or pissed off or disrespected, and look at why you feel that way. And I promise, it’s never because the other person is doing something differently than you think they should be doing.

Because you have a belief, you have a manual, and they’re not complying with your manual. So can you kind of see how manuals can really fuck us up? We get really entrenched in them and then we create a lot of suffering for ourselves.

Now, on a micro scale, me believing that Andy doesn’t respect me because he leaves his dishes in the sink right after dinner, that’s a tiny little example of a manual, not really a lot of impact unless I escalate, which I choose not to. But on a macro scale, over manuals, wars get started.

I want you to really think about this. A war is quite simply a difference of opinion that each side believes the other is wrong and they believe it so hard they’re willing to kill people to prove themselves right. That is what a war is. A war is just a manual of behavior that has gone horribly awry. That is the power of believing deeply in a manual.

Now, there’s lots of examples where we as a society have collective manuals for how things should be done. And I think for the most part a lot of these manuals work really well. Most of us on the planet believe that it is wrong to kill other people, in most examples. And this is a manual that we have.

I have this manual. This is part of my personal rulebook how for other people should roll in the world. And most of us have this manual, which means most of us don’t go around killing other people on purpose. Now, I like having this manual. I expect everyone to comply with it. And if they don’t comply, I will for sure think they should not have done that. And I will not be happy.

But I am under no illusion that killing other people, that it’s wrong to kill other people, that that’s a circumstance. Not a natural law. It’s simply an expectation that I have of other people in the world. And most people have a similar expectation. And I mean, in most countries, there are certainly federal laws that say don’t kill other people or there will be consequences. But laws, you guys, laws are just manuals that have been written down and made public.

So I really want you to start watching your thinking. I want you to notice every single time you think somebody else is doing something that they shouldn’t, or not doing something that they should. Notice how you want to label them as disrespectful, or condescending, or unappreciative, or insensitive, or a jackass is one of my personal favorite words.

Notice how you want to label them and you believe that that is factual. He’s an asshole. You think that is a fact. Nope, that is just your thought about somebody when they behave differently than your manual prescribes. So watch your thinking. Notice when you think about somebody like, I shouldn’t have done that, or he’s an asshole for doing that. It’s always going to be because you have a manual for them, even if they’re a stranger.

I think we have manuals for strangers even more than we do for our loved ones. This is what road rage is. Road rage is just somebody not complying with your manual of how people should drive. Now, there’s certainly laws like, no right on red. If you’re at a stop sign or you’re at an intersection, it says no right on red and somebody goes right on red, they’ve broken a law.

But other than that – and a law, again, is just a manual that’s been written down. You have manuals for people that say they shouldn’t break the law. So it’s not that they made a right on red that makes them an asshole. It’s because you believe anybody who breaks the law that way is an asshole. That’s your manual.

Condescending, again, if you’ve ever thought to yourself, “Oh, that person who cheered me on for running is just so condescending,” it’s not a circumstance. It’s not like that person has brown hair, that person is five foot four inches tall, that person is condescending. Condescending is not factual. It’s your interpretation of somebody else’s actions or words. That is all.

Same with rude, disrespectful, unappreciative. Your manual, which of course is simply a collection of your thoughts, that is what causes your pain when people don’t comply. The other person’s behavior is not so much causing the pain. It is your belief that they are doing something wrong that causes it.

Now, if you apply this concept to your life, you are going to find a million places where you have manuals and I promise that letting go of them is a game-changer. It will give you calm and peace. It will help your relationships, with your loved ones. It will help you at work. It will help you everywhere.

Now, it might take some practice and reminding of yourself. Oh that’s right, that’s just a manual that I have, that’s normal. You’ve probably had these manuals for decades. They’ve been handed down to you maybe from your parents or your teachers or your friends. But just because it’s in someone else’s manual doesn’t mean it needs to be in yours.

Okay, got it? Alright my friends, get yourself out there and run and I will see you in the next episode.

Oh, and one last thing. If you enjoyed listening to this episode, you have to check out the Rebel Runner Roadmap. It’s a 30-day online program that will teach you exactly how to start running, stick with it, and become the runner you’ve always wanted to be. Head on over to rebelrunnerroadmap.com to join. I’d love to be a part of your journey.