Ep #120: Worrying Vs. Planning

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Hey rebels, you are listening to episode 120 of The Not Your Average Runner Podcast. I’m your host Jill Angie, and today I’m going to get a little real and tell you about my day because I got some news this morning and it put me into a bit of a tailspin for a while.

And I know that you’ve actually probably been in the same situation before, and I think this story’s going to help you. Now, I’m recording this on the Thursday before my marathon, which is on Sunday, so I guess four days ahead of time, three days ahead of time.

And you are listening to this after the marathon, and that means you actually know the outcome of my race if you’re one of my clients or you follow me on social media or maybe you’re just a low-key stalker, you already know. But then on next week’s podcast that you’re going to listen to, the week after this one, I’ll be recording that after the race and I’ll do a full recap of everything.

And so this is a little kind of like time travel right now because right now you’re traveling back in time to four days before my race. It’s a little weird. Anyway, let’s get to the story. And I got to warn you ahead of time, I’m not sure, but there may be tears as I’m telling you.

I had a lot of emotions today, I’m not sure if I’m quite done with them yet, but I’m getting there. So anyway, this morning I got an email from the race director with the 2019 race guide and of course I was like yay, and I opened it up and I’m reading every word. And I read this one sentence and I was like, oh shit.

Because it said if you don’t get to the half marathon mark, the 13.1-mile mark of the race in three and a half hours, you will be removed from the course. Not asked to move to the sidewalk. Removed from the course. And while that would not have been a problem for me in past years, this year, my pace isn’t even close to that. That’s like, a 16-minute mile and my long runs right now have been between an 18 to a 19 and sometimes up to a 20-minute pace.

So I just immediately started to tear up. I had all the thoughts. I texted Andy, I texted coach Jen in a panic, I texted my own coach. I thought about texting Amy and Debbie, who are also doing the race, and then I thought, I don’t want to worry them because they’re actually faster than me. They’re probably going to make the cutoff no problem.

And I was like, I don’t want to worry them and get them all twisted up before the race starts. So I texted my own coach. I just word vomited all over her and Lauren, if you are listening, thank you for not blocking me. But anyway, with all those thoughts that I was having, so many emotions came up. So many.

Deep disappointment, sadness, anger, shame, maybe even a little bit of relief. But I started to think about all the work that I had done to train for this marathon and how it had all just disappeared with one sentence. It was like, one minute I was all like, I can’t wait to finish this race, even if I have to do it on the sidewalks because they open the roads, I’m going to be so proud.

I was in such a great place. And then I read that sentence and my thoughts immediately changed to, what? Now I’m not even going to be allowed to do that? They’re going to take that away from me? It’s not fair. And here’s the thing; I knew there was a time limit when I signed up.

I signed up when I was still in physical therapy for my knee and so I knew there was a time limit but I just felt like suddenly, the entire playing field had shifted because I had thought, even if I don’t make the seven hour cutoff for the whole race, I can still finish on the sidewalk. I can still claim the marathon distance. And now I’m like, I can’t even do that. They’re taking that away from me.

So my friends, I went so deep into self-pity. I was all like, poor, poor, pitiful me. I went all Warren Zevon on myself. I’m like, it’s not fair, they keep the New York City Marathon finishing line up for the last place finisher no matter how long it takes. It’s fucking dark when the last place finisher comes across the finish line and they keep it up and there are people there.

I’m like, what is wrong with you, Philly? I have sung your praises for years, how back of the pack friendly you are, and now this? It felt like a total betrayal. And I got pretty dramatic about it, and yes, even coaches have drama. I’m a little embarrassed to admit, but I went there.

I was crying, I was stomping around my office and poor Maddie, she jumped off her little hammock that I keep by the window in my office and hid in the other room. And I was like, why should I even bother going for my last training run today? What’s the point? I’m going to get swept at the half marathon point. Why do I even care?

And I thought, everyone is watching me run this race. All of my clients, my podcast listeners, my friends and my family have been talking about it for months, and now I’m going to fail. Totally fail in front of everyone and I felt awful.

I wanted a bag of Cheetos real bad, you guys. I was like, that’s what’s going to fix this. Totally not what’s going to fix it. That’s where my brain went. But what I really wanted was to not feel so awful and I knew, my coach brain is still working in the background and I said, okay, I got to figure out a way to stop worrying about this so I can get through the rest of my workday first of all.

I had three private clients to coach and I did not want to show up mopey for them. I don’t want to show up like Debbie Downer on race day. Andy’s so excited about this race and do I really want to be the person that’s like, how nice for you, you’re going to finish? No.

I definitely don’t want to show up like that for Amy and Debbie, who are going to be like, at the start line with me and probably running at least part of the beginning of the race together. And really, what I want to do is show up as excited as I was in the five minutes before I read that stupid race guide.

And then my brain was like, oh my god, you and Andy have this whole weekend planned. We do. We have a lovely weekend planned. We’ve booked a hotel room, a very nice hotel room for two nights, and we’re going to go out to dinner afterwards, and I’m like, oh, that’s awesome. He’s going to be all excited about his marathon and I’m going to be sitting there, a total failure, and I’m going to have to be all like, happy and happy for him.

And I will be really happy for him. So Andy, I know you’re probably listening to this. I promise, I’m totally going to be happy for you, but inside I’d be like, oh, poor me. I don’t want to show up like that. That is not who I want to be. So I knew, I got to get my brain sorted out stat because the way it was this morning was not going to work for me.

So I did what always works. I did a full thought download of every thought in my brain and I started with my whole story about how this is going to be a complete failure because that’s really what it felt like. I thought everyone’s watching, I’m a coach, I should be able to do this, what are people going to think? They’re going to think I’m a loser, a fraud, I have no business helping women to run.

And just thinking those thoughts, reading those thoughts right now or saying those thoughts out loud to you right now, I feel shame thinking them. But I was kind of like, alright, I wrote it all down, I’m like, it’s possible that those are just opinions. They felt very true for sure, but they really were just my thoughts. They were not the circumstance.

In fact, the only true thing about this whole situation was that there was a sentence in a book that said, and I’m going to quote it, “For safety reasons, if participants are not at the 13.1 mile mark within three hours and 30 minutes of crossing the start line, they will be directed off the course as they approach Eakins Oval,” which is right in front of the Philadelphia Art Museum.

So that’s the fact. That was the sentence in a book. Everything else was just my story about it and I realized if I keep believing that story, I am not going to show up for myself like a boss on race day. I’ll be whiny, I’ll be mopey, I will not really try. I pretty much guarantee I’ll miss that cutoff. I’ll basically give up on myself before the race even starts.

And when I saw that and made that connection, I was like, fuck, no. That is not the person I want to be. Not ever. But especially not after putting in all the effort into training that I did. Not after that 20-mile training run. I’m so proud of that training run and I don’t want to just pretend that that never happened and I just don’t get to do my race because this is the rule.

So instead of worrying, which is basically obsessing over what may or may not happen, I just started to start planning. I decided to say, okay, my brain is always – my brain goes a mile a minute. I wish I could run as fast as my brain moves. And I’m like, so there’s a lot of power up there and I want to use it for something productive instead of destructive.

So I decided, you know what, it is possible that you might get swept. And if that happens, I’d be disappointed. But the disappointment I will feel will be because I am thinking the thought, “I wanted to finish and I worked hard but this just wasn’t my time.” It will not be because I am thinking, “It’s so unfair. They took this away from me,” and it will not be from thinking, “I didn’t train hard enough, I didn’t do enough.” And it will definitely not be because I gave up before I even started the race.

My shitty story was making me count myself out this morning, three days in advance, before I even showed up to the fight. And that is absolutely not how it’s going to go down. So I’m planning everything I want to be thinking between now and race morning. I brainstormed all these different thoughts that I wanted to think, what’s really going to help me, what’s really going to keep me feeling feisty and confident and determined.

And what do I want to be thinking between now and race morning? What do I want to be thinking for the first 13 miles of this marathon? And so I came up with a mantra that is – I’m just going to keep practicing it over and over again and here it is. It’s, “Girl, you came here to run a marathon so run a fucking marathon.”

Because that’s really it, isn’t it? That’s exactly what I want to be thinking and that’s what’s going to get me 26.2 miles. When I think that thought, I feel determined, which is what I’ve been cultivating for myself throughout this entire journey. And I have decided, I’m running a marathon in three days.

I don’t know right now if the entire thing will be on the Philadelphia sanctioned course. I might get directed off the course at mile 13. And if I do, I’m still finishing those last 13 miles. And not on Monday. I’m finishing them on Sunday, right then and there. Philadelphia is a big city. If they will not let me finish on the official course, that’s fine, I get it. Safety reasons. Totally understand.

But I know that city like the back of my hand and I will just make my own course. There is no way I’m not doing a marathon on Sunday. There’s no fucking way. So I’ll tell you what, when I start thinking like that, I feel really confident. I’m like, yeah bitch, these are the miles you came for. These miles right here. Whatever they look like, you’re going to make it happen.

And so Andy, who I am convinced is legitimately the best human on this planet, I just love him so much and I know you’re listening to this. Thank you so much baby for the text that you sent me this morning. I word vomited to him, I’m like, I’m so upset, it’s not fair. And he just sent me a beautiful text back to remind me of a few things and I’m actually going to read it to you.

He said, “I understand, and it’s frustrating. Let’s hope you don’t get swept and are able to finish the race. I’m proud of you no matter what happens on Sunday. You went from being injured to being marathon ready in a year, for fuck’s sake. You are amazing and I love you. We both know that if there wasn’t any time limit, there would be no question about you finishing. You can run a marathon and that was your goal. On Sunday, go out there and give it your best. I bet you’ll surprise yourself.”

And then the last sentence, he said, “You should realize that you’ve hit the goals you’ve set for yourself. You wanted to be marathon ready on race day and you are.” And I was like, oh, well what do you know? When he got home from work, he’s like, “You should listen to some of your old podcasts where you talk about your goals.”

And I remembered, I’m like, first of all, one year ago, I was sitting in the doctor’s office, the orthopedic surgeon’s office, listening to him – because I’d gone in there for MRIs, I had a gel shot in my knee, I was still in a lot of pain. And he just said, look, training for a marathon at your age is, and I’m quoting here, “a stupid idea.” That’s what he said.

What went unsaid that I’m inferring is also running a marathon at my weight is a stupid idea, but I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt because he did not speak the words aloud. But really, that’s where I was. Literally in November 2018, I was having that conversation with my doctor and I was kind of like, alright, next.

So three months later, after getting a second opinion and then going all in on my physical therapy, I started running again. That was February of this year. So I took a full year off due to injuries and side note, friends, please do your strength training. The reason I got so many injuries is because I slacked off on my strength training for several months and continued to run and I got injured. So do your strength training so you do not lose a year of running like I did.

So I’ve only been back to running after a year off since February. And I trained for a whole marathon in that time, in nine months. And also, I remembered that my goal was to train. My goal was to be prepared as fuck, to be marathon ready, and I am. I really am. 20 miles two weeks ago was like butter. It was such a great run. I’m ready.

I just forgot that the goal was not to have a race medal in my hand. The goal was to do the work to be marathon ready. The goal was to evolve into the person that could do all the training for a marathon, to become that version of myself that no longer said, “Oh my god, a marathon is too scary, I can’t do it.” To become that version of myself that’s like, “What? Like it’s hard?”

Mission accomplished. The race, the medal, all of that is just the icing on the proverbial cake. I came here for the work. I came here for the training miles. I came here because I wanted to feel proud and accomplished and confident, and a medal can’t give me that. It has to come from me and my thinking, and I think I did a pretty awesome job of training. I’m really, really proud of it.

So I think we forget sometimes that achieving a goal is just a circumstance. And circumstances don’t create our feelings. That’s our thoughts. Our thoughts do that work because here’s the thing; if circumstances do create our feelings, then we’re basically just abdicating our emotions out to the universe.

In this case, I’m abdicating my emotions to the race director of the Philadelphia Marathon. And I mean, I’m sure he or she is a very nice person, but I don’t hand my feelings over, especially my feelings about myself, over to someone I don’t know. And someone who’s just doing his job. Honestly, those are the rules. I knew them when I signed up. I knew I might not make the cutoff. I registered anyway. I am the responsible party here.

And then I talked to coach Jen and she reminded me that the Chicago Marathon, which she did two years ago at about this time of year, had the exact same rule and they didn’t sweep anybody. And I realized, oh, it’s possible that I am worrying about something that’s not even going to happen even if I don’t make the cutoff.

And I was like, wow, that is absolutely not any space that I want to give in my brain to worrying about just something that’s possibly, probably, likely not to happen because you know what, they might just say that to get people to hustle.

And you know what? Mission accomplished. Because after I kind of did all this work on myself, I was like, alright, I’m going to go for my training run this morning. It’s my last run before marathon day. I’m going to go out and do it. And you know what? I ran three 15-minute and 24 second miles, which is the fastest I’ve run since June. I’m like, oh, is it possible that my brain has been slowing me down? So that was kind of fun.

Now, I was taking wind a little bit, partly because I’m getting over a cold and partly because that’s definitely a faster pace than I’ve been pushing myself on my long slow training runs. But it did make me realize like, okay, well maybe I could do that half marathon, that first 13 miles in like, a 16:30. Maybe I can come pretty damn close.

And one thing I do know for sure about Philly is when you’re pretty damn close, they usually say, alright, that’s fine. Just keep going. So it kind of shifted my perspective going for that run this morning and realizing like, you know what, I’m going to be fine. It’s going to be amazing and I’m so proud of the work that I’ve done, that even if I don’t cross the Philadelphia finish line, I’m still going to run a marathon on Sunday.

And Andy’s probably going to steal me a medal. Hopefully nobody on the Philly Marathon race staff is hearing this, but he’s going to get me a medal. I’m going to get my medal. And I’m in a great position to just show up and start training for the next marathon. I’ve got a beautiful base.

So, so much positive came out of this morning, even though I started off feeling really, really awful. But my point with all of this, I know I’m kind of rambling on here, but honestly, my point with all of this is I want to show you the difference between worrying and planning.

Because worry is an emotion that you create when you think, I’m going to be really upset if this happens. And then you start to feel upset in advance. You pre-experience the emotion that you think you might feel if the event happens.

And I think it’s because we have this misguided belief that worrying protects us. It keeps us from feeling that sting of disappointment because either we lower our expectations or if we start feeling it ahead of time, then we’re not taken by surprise when it happens.

But you guys, worrying does not protect you. Worrying robs you. It robs you of the opportunity to take control of your emotions and direct your thinking. Because when your thoughts are creating worry, they really can’t do much else for you. You become consumed with thinking about the possibility of that negative outcome, and you take action from that place, rather than planning ahead from a place of calm.

Planning is different than worrying. Planning is deciding in advance what you want to think, feel, and do if the negative thing happens. So in this example, I’ve decided that I want to think, “I’m going to run a marathon on Sunday.” And when I think that thought, I feel determined. And what do I do when I feel determined? Well, if I get swept, I find out a way to run the other 13 miles.

So that’s planning. That’s different than, oh my god, I hope I don’t get swept, oh my god, I hope I don’t get swept. That’s worrying. So planning is deciding in advance what you want to think, feel, and do if the negative thing happens, or not even negative. Let’s stop calling it a negative thing.

Circumstances are neutral. So if the thing happens, what are you going to make it mean if it does? It doesn’t mean you have to feel happy if the thing happens. I’m not going to be excited if I get swept at mile 13 because I’m going to be like, alright, time to put plan B into place.

And I will probably be disappointed for a bit because that’s an appropriate emotion to feel when you’re thinking, “I wanted this and I didn’t get it.” And I’ll go all in on feeling disappointed. But I decide and you decide with your thoughts what emotion you want to feel, instead of believing that the event caused the disappointment, recognize that you’re choosing to feel disappointment with your thinking.

And if you want to feel disappointed, go for it, but own it. There’s a big difference between the two things. So worrying kind of sounds like, “Oh, what if I don’t finish in the time limit? What if I don’t get my medal? That’ll be devastating. All that work for nothing.” That’s worrying.

Planning sounds like this. There’s a possibility I won’t finish in the time limit and I won’t get my medal. Not the outcome I want. Training is complete, I’m going to do my best on race day, I have a plan B in place, how do I want to think and feel if I don’t finish in time and what do I want to make it mean?

And then I come up with a whole list of thoughts that I want to have in the event of that circumstance. And also, the thoughts that I just want to be thinking in general, regardless of the circumstance. So here’s a thing I do want to share though. People make this mistake a lot. Planning your thoughts ahead does not mean that you try to sugarcoat things and prance around like everything is rainbows and daisies. This is not a whole Pollyanna kind of thing.

If you wanted that medal and you trained for it and you didn’t get it, it’s natural to think that’s not what I wanted to happen and feel disappointed. But you can decide not to heap a bunch of unhelpful beliefs on top of that. Things like, I always do this, I never follow through, I never stick to my training plan, I always half-ass things.

When you put all those thoughts on top of that’s not what I wanted, it makes you feel ashamed and guilty on top of the disappointment. So feel the disappointment from a clean place of like, I didn’t get what I wanted and I’m disappointed, and stop the beatings.

So planning your thoughts and feelings helps you decide in advance what you’re going to make things mean. Worrying means you’re abdicating responsibility for your emotions to whatever the circumstances are, at your race, or whatever event it is. So it’s the difference between taking responsibility and giving up, handing over responsibility.

And here’s the last point I want to make. Worrying also means you don’t show up for your race the way you want to. If you spend the whole week moping about what might happen, what do you think that does to your body? Your sleep, your energy levels, are you eating your best when you’re worried or have you got your hand in a bag of Cheetos for dinner?

Really think about it. When you spend time feeling that mopey, oh my god, or panicky, or whatever it is, you don’t take care of your mind and your body the way you want to, the way that’s going to help you on race day. Worrying prevents you from being the best version of yourself.

I’m going to say that again. Worrying prevents you from being the best version of yourself. So if you’ve got a race coming up and you’re worried, I get it. I hear you. I want you to take a moment. Take a breath and then take a moment to plan instead of letting your thoughts just go running around like a toddler with a knife.

Decide how you want to think and feel if you don’t get what you want and what you’re going to do about it. Then, decide all that and then let that shit go. Show up for your race like you are sure you are going to slay it.

Oh, and hey, one more thing, did I mention yet – I think I did but I’m going to say it again because you need to know this. The Rebel Runner Roadmap is open for enrollment, my friends. This is a brand-new running course that I created. It’s a 30-day online class where you are going to learn my four pillars to becoming a rebel runner.

And it is half body and half mind. And so we talk a lot on this podcast about the brain stuff, and The Rebel Runner Roadmap is going to teach you the physical stuff, the foundational skills of running, the strength training, the stretching, all that stuff, but then we’re going to go deep on how to work your mind so that you get what you want. How to manage your brain.

So this class is like the podcast on steroids. It is a crash course in being a badass runner that believes in herself so hard she feels unstoppable. So this class is for you if you’ve been struggling either to get started with running or if you’ve been running and feeling like no matter what I do, I don’t get any better.

Either way, we are teaching you the skills to really – I’ve been saying to take your run from meh to magnificent. So my goal for everyone who takes this class is that in 30 days, you will be feeling confident and proud about your running practice. So I want you to go ahead and join. You can do that at rebelrunnerroadmap.com.

And it’s just going to be awesome. We’ve already got a whole bunch of people signed up and I’m pretty sure that it’s going to be a very epic experience. I am bringing 110% of all of my tools on how to manage your mind and how to train your body. And it’s just going to rock, you guys.

So sign up for it, rebelrunnerroadmap.com. And I don’t even have an obsession this week. Honestly, I had a whole other podcast planned and this morning I was like, I can’t talk about that. I got to share this whole worrying versus planning stuff with them. So I don’t have an obsession for you this week and that’s okay. You can be obsessed with your own badass selves for a change.

Alright, go sign up for The Rebel Runner Roadmap and I will see you next week.

Thanks for listening to this episode of The Not Your Average Runner Podcast. If you liked what you heard and want more, head over to www.notyouraveragerunner.com to download your free one-week jumpstart plan and get started running today.